From the Desk of the Evil Hairy Lady
by PoofdaLePolecat
Summary: Will the Evil Hairy Lady join forces with the Author to take over the world? Will all the celebrities become slaves? How much torture must they go through! Insane is the one word to describe this! RR!
1. The Beginning

These were some letters that I wrote to Beth. (Otherwise known as Laleanen to the fanfiction world.) I hope you enjoy them. They're not that great when it comes to the actual writing. But, if you have a visual mind, you might like them. ^_^ And remember that comments, flames or praises will be much appreciated. On with it then!  
  
*Disclaimer* Yadda yadda, I don't own any of the characters except for Niniel and The Evil Hairy Lady. The Author, Tanya and Beth are...well...Beth's.  
  
Ok, well... you told me to write you a letter about....nothing. So, I am deeply honoured to release my insanity on to your face. Much like a squirt gun would squirt water on to someone's face. But in this case my insanity is the water. ^_^   
  
*pictures Beth glaring at the computer...much like this -- -_-*   
  
Anyway, on to the insanity.... Oh, and by the way....I'm not Sarah anymore...I AM NOW THE ....*drums* EVIL HAIRY LADY!!!! MUHAHAAHHHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!! AND NOW I SHALL CURSE ALL CELEBRITIES WITH SO MUCH HAIR, THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE!! MUHAHAHAHAAAA! Now, I call THAT an evil plan! ^_^   
  
Leonardo Decaprio: Hair? Who said something about hair? I have nice hair! OOoooh yeah....my hair is SSSSSOOOO cool.   
  
E.H.L: SHUT UP! Thou art a fool, blonde mortal! And now thy stupidity shall take over thy face and thy breath. And thou shalt die from thy stupidity. For such is your fate! MUHAHAHAAA!!!   
  
Liv Tyler: LIKE HEY!!! The curse can't affect me, right? 'Cause, like, I'm SMART! ^_^ *squeal*   
  
E.H.L: -_- Thou shalt be the FIRST one to suffer by my hand!! MUHAHAHAA!!!!   
  
Lara Croft: Hey! *has a huge gun (to match her lips, of course!)* You can't pick on celebrities. We rule the world. So now, I'm gonna kill you. *does a flip* *falls over because her lips have thrown her balance off*  
  
E.H.L: Do not waste thy energy on such pitiful intimidation. My plan shall succeed! For I am not one! BUT TWO!! MUHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!   
  
Kelly Ripa: ....How can there be...*counts her fingers* two of you?......   
  
E.H.L: I AM NOT ONLY THE EVIL HAIRY LADY!!! BUT I AM ALSO...*drums* NINIEL THE MAIDEN OF TEARS!!!   
  
Domonic Mohnagan (or whatever his name is....): HEY! *jumps up out of chair* You're Haldir's great niece!!!   
  
E.H.L:.....I suppose I am.....hmmm...that must be where I get my good looks...   
  
Elijah Wood: FROM HIM?!   
  
E.H.L: Maybe you're right..............It must be all my own. ^_^   
  
All the celebrities: -_-   
  
Kate Hudson: Like, is there, like, any way that like, we could, like, convince you to, like, not be, like, evil?   
  
E.H.L: -_- If anyone is to cause me to stand down from my plan of world domination, it shall not be you. For thy mindless drabble is incomprehensible.   
  
Kate: *blank look* whatever...   
  
Some reporter guy: So, E.H.L./Niniel. What caused you to have such hatred towards all the celebrities? I mean, is it because they are the most beautiful people in the world?   
  
E.H.L: No, my good reporter guy. I hate them because they THINK they are the most beautiful people in the world.   
  
S.R.G: -_- Oh.   
  
Narrator guy: Will The Evil Hairy Lady succeed with her plan? Will all the celebrities be covered in hair? Will Kate Hudson learn English?   
  
STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!! 


	2. The Author's Reply

(A/N) This was written by Beth (Laleanen). So, she should have ALL the credit. ^_^   
  
Author: GASP!!!! YOU RULE!!!! MUHAHAHAHAA! EHL! Niniel! Let us join forces, and perhaps with the Evil Author, and together we can TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! YEEEAAAAHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Tanya: Hey! Orlando Bloom didn't do anything wrong! I mean, go ahead and torment Leo D. and Liv Tyler and Kate Hudson and Lara Croft by all means, but don't KILL Orli! ...or Dom....or....at least....return them the way they were before when you're done: undamaged, for the most part. ^-^ I could nurse them back to-  
  
Beth: *shoving Tanya over* You've said more than your share, Tan. LOL that was funny. Our muses should all get together and have a panel discussion sometime. I need to do that on livejournal.  
  
Author: Especially since you changed the name to "Panel Discussion."  
  
Beth: What's with you and GRAMMAR?! I swear....  
  
Author: Actually, it's not really grammar; it's just that it doesn't really make sense-  
  
Beth: Oh, and "Of Seagulls and Pink Voids" makes PERFECT sense.  
  
Author: Actually, yes. It's consistant with the story, and the theme of the story itself is randomness. ^-^   
  
Beth: -_- You sicken me.  
  
Author: I know. I'm good, aren't I?  
  
Tanya: You guys are weird.  
  
Author: Thank you. ^-^  
  
Beth: You're one to talk. 


	3. Of Puking and Salty Tears

E.H.L: *to Author* Well, I may consider joining forces with one such as yourself....But I do no think I like the idea of sharing world domination with so many. For, already I must share some with Niniel, but to also divide it amongst you AND the Evil Author may be too much to ask. And the plan to take over the world is all my own. So, tell me, what might *I* get out of this bargain? Only to be allies with some much weaker than I, might not be something to be called an advantage. Do not be thinking me to be dismissing your proposition entirely. Quite the contrary. I must deeply consider it. For, I have read "Of Seagulls and Pink Voids", "Disco Party", and the like. And I do appreciate the creativety with which you torment your guests. And that may come in handy once I have taken over the world....  
  
Christopher Lee: May I ask you, E.H.L, why you would wish to rule the world? Because power corrupts. And absolute power corrupts absolutely. So, why would you wish to corrupt yourself, for only temporary pleasure?  
  
E.H.L.: HAHAAAAaa!!!! FOOL! Do you believe me to be a mortal such as you? HA! I pity you and your lack of knowledge. Did I not tell you, and all the other mindless celebrities, that I am ALSO Niniel, the Maiden of Tears? AND SHE IS OF THE IMMORTAL KIND! Nay, my pleasure shall not be temporary. It shall last for an eternity! MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!  
  
Tom Cruise: Ok, that's like, tottaly getting like, REALLY annoying.   
  
E.H.L: -_- What is?  
  
Tom C.: All that "Muhahahaing". It's so like, really annoying.  
  
E.H.L: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS WORM IS TRYING TO SAY?!?!!  
  
Some translator guy: I think he's saying that it bothers him when you laugh.   
  
E.H.L: @_@ FOOL! THOU SHALT PAY FOR THY IGNORANCE!!!  
  
*Suddenly Tom Cruise' hair begins to grow at a rapid pace. His beard is beginning to choke him, and his arms are being "tied" by the hair upon them.*  
  
Queen Latifah: Yo! That ain't nice, ya'll.  
  
E.H.L.: *stops killing Tom Cruise. His hair is begins to fall out, so it returns to it's origional length* *to Queen Latifah* WHY do you call yourself a "Queen"?! WHAT POWER DO YOU HAVE?!?! You are nothing but a....rapper!  
  
Queen L.: Because I'm cool. And I *AM* a Queen! And if that bothers you, you can just...GET OUT!  
  
E.H.L: HA! Now tell me, WHAT do you rule?!  
  
Queen L.: The world of coolness.  
  
E.H.L: -_- That land is obviously foreign to you.  
  
Queen L.: I *AM* COOL! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOU-  
  
*As Queen Latifah was shouting, the Evil Hairy Lady caused her hair to begin growing. At an even more rapid pace than Tom's had. Thus shutting up her pitiful argument*  
  
E.H.L: There. Much better.  
  
Orlando Bloom: *mumbles* Ugh, this is so stupid...  
  
E.H.L: WHAT?!  
  
Orlando: Uh...I said....that was awesome...  
  
E.H.L: DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!!!  
  
Orlando: I swear, that's what I said. ^_^  
  
E.H.L: HA! I have caught you in the act! I *KNOW* what you said. And now your punishment shall be worse than the others. For I am tired of you. You are all that young girls ever speak of!   
  
Orlando: I am? COOL!  
  
E.H.L: YES! AND I WISH MY EYES WOULD ROT OUT OF MY HEAD AT THE SIGHT OF YOU!!!! @_@  
  
Orlando: Oh...so...that's not good then....?  
  
E.H.L: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!?!?!?!!  
  
Orlando: I'm ....sorry?  
  
E.H.L: SORRY DOESN'T PAY THE RENT, BUB!!! Niniel?! MAY YOU?!  
  
*There is a great sob that is heard from the sky. And suddenly great drops of "rain" begin to fall. The miss everyone except Orlando. And they are not drops of rain, but great tears of sadness, with giant peices of salt in them.*  
  
Orlando: AGH!!!  
  
E.H.L: MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!  
  
*Orlando Bloom is washed away*  
  
E.H.L: *turns to all of the celebrities* DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE YOUR FOOLISHNESS TO ME?!?! HOW MANY MORE MUST SUFFER?! *smiles* Obviously not enough. And that's what makes this job interesting.  
  
Arnold Schwarblahblah: You are bad. But that's kinda cool. But it isn't good. And soon there will be an uprising, and all of the celebrities will kick your butt.  
  
E.H.L: Yes, and with all of the celebrities combined, their IQ might match that of a 4 year old child. -_- I fear for my butt.   
  
Johnny Depp: WHY are you so MEAN?! *is on the verge of tears*  
  
E.H.L: *talking as if to a very young, and stupid, child* Because dear, if there weren't evil people like me, then the world would be too happy. And then we would be puking all the time. So it is because of me, that you can eat and keep it there.   
  
Johnny D.: *wipes tears away* Oh. I like to eat. Thanks. *smiles*  
  
E.H.L: *rolls eyes* *turns to Author* So yes, I shall consider your offer. But I must discuss the terms with you when our hosts meet. ^_^ *waves* Good-bye! Until next time! 


	4. The Author's Request

Beth: *gently pulls Orlando out of a river of salty tears* *sobs* WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO HIM?!?!?   
  
Tanya: He's not breathing, right?? RIGHT??? *looks hopeful*  
  
Beth: O_O Tanya! You don't WANT him dead, do you?  
  
Tanya: No, of course not. I want to give him mouth to-  
  
Beth: TANYA THIS IS SERIOUS!!!! AND NO HE'S NOT BREATHING!!!! *sobs* HELP! SOMEBODY!!!  
  
Author: *sigh* *revives Orlando Bloom* Forgive me, E.H.L, for undoing your work, but I don't want to have to watch Tanya do what she does best. Now, as to our bargain, I'm glad you accept. ^-^ I'll gladly give lordship of the earth to you, and help you to achieve it; all I ask in return is a small realm with a small number of subjects. As you've seen, I'm not one for overly-crowded torchure cha - er - stories. ^-^  
  
Tanya: ASK FOR ORLANDO BLOOM! ASK FOR ORLANDO BLOOM! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, ASK FOR-   
  
Beth: Be QUIET, Tanya! Orlando has a headache! *goes back to wiping his wet brow with a clean cloth and giving him sips of fresh water*  
  
Tanya: oh, ick.  
  
Author: I'm trying to control my gag reflex.  
  
Beth: You two have no sense of good will whatsoever. -_-  
  
Tanya: Good will...ha! You're just doing it because you wanna be NEAR him and-  
  
Beth: *turning red* SHUT UP!  
  
Orlando: (oog) Wha-? What...happened....?  
  
Beth: It's all right, darling, you're safe now.  
  
Tanya: I'm going to be ill.  
  
Beth: *glare* At least I'm DECENT, Tanya.  
  
Tanya: My teeth are rotting.  
  
Author: -_- ANYWAY, MOVING ON! Perhaps we could leave the Evil Author out of the bargain, but you may consider giving her a nice island or something. She really is very cool. ^-^  
  
Tanya: And the I-er-the Author! gets Orlando.  
  
Beth: @_@ *attacks Tanya* EAST TO THE SEA, WEST TO THE LANDS, DEATH TO THE GIRL WHO TOUCHES MY MAN!!!!  
  
Orlando: o_O  
  
Tanya: HEY! OW! I *AM* YOU YOU IDIOT!  
  
Beth: NEVER! YOU ARE A SELFISH, GUY-CENTERED SLUT!  
  
Tanya: Honey, I got more game than a playstation! I have CLASS. SLUT just don't cut it. Right, baby? *winks at Orlando*  
  
Beth: *holding Tanya by the collar* Don't make me pummle you again.   
  
Tanya: See my halo, bright and shiney! You mess wit me, I'll kick yer HINEY!   
  
Beth: OKAY, THAT'S IT!!! *pummles Tanya*  
  
Tanya: OW!!! HEY STOPPIT YOU STUPID-OW!  
  
They go all out into a hair-pulling, slugging, slapping,clawing, kicking, CATFIGHT.  
  
Orlando: O_O  
  
Author: *rotfl* catch ya later, EHL, this should be interesting! (Oh, and I really wouldn't mind having Orlando Bloom; he makes things so entertaining....lol) 


	5. The Coming of Niniel

E.H.L: Well, I see that your terms are quite generous. And if all you require is an island with some slaves to amuse yourself with, that is fine. I might also consider letting the Evil Author in on this bargain, if she is as co-operative as yourself.   
  
EXpresident Clinton: Now wait a minute. What makes you think that you can bargain us off like lollipops at an auction?  
  
E.H.L: -_- First off, it is because of stupid analigies such as that, that I know I may bargain you off to people as I please. And second, is because I am the most powerful being placed here on the Earth. Does that answer your question, dimwit?  
  
Clinton: Yes. Thank you.  
  
E.H.L: Good. *to Author* Anyway, there were some questions I had for you, concerning your "subjects". Basically which particular idiot you may want to own. I know you have said that you wish to keep that.....Orlando Bloom. And that is fine by me. My head shall not feel like it would burst with rage and my eyes flee with terror, if he were to be in your....how should I put it?....Care? But I would like to know what other beings you would ask fo-  
  
Clinton: Hey, uh, what about me?  
  
E.H.L: WHAT ABOUT YOU?!?!  
  
Clinton: Where am *I*going to go? I should be a ruler of some land, since I have my past experience with the United States.  
  
E.H.L: Ah yes. You shall have a VERY important and special job. One which will require your expert skills.  
  
Clinton: *claps hands and jumps for joy* OH YAY! What is it?  
  
E.H.L: You shall be the master toilet cleaner.   
  
Clinton: *dissapointed* Oh.  
  
E.H.L: NOW OUT OF MY SIGHT!! BEFORE I SMITE YOU!!! @_@  
  
Clinton: *cries and runs away*  
  
E.H.L: You may have him if you wish. -_- Although I would think you to be much too intelligent to waste space on your island with the likes of him. ANYWAY. So you wish for Orlando Bloom?....(for that creature you call "Tanya", I would suppose.) And who else? It seems to me that you have an interest in the Lord of the Rings. And I would not mind lending, or even giving you all the actors and actresses from that....movie. I cannot say that I am much too picky when it comes to my slaves. Just as long as they do their jobs. And as long as they cry. Hehehe.  
  
Mel Gibson: -_- EXCUSE ME. But, you haven't even taken over the world yet! WHAT THE HECK MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE PLANS NOW?!?!?!! I mean, there's all the armies that you must destroy, and throw people out of power....I'm no expert on taking over the world, but I think those things JUST MIGHT MATTER!!!  
  
E.H.L: Ah, yes. And now I see that the idiot has spoken. And it seems that he wishes for me to enlighten him. I would happily do so, if it would have any lasting affect. But alas, he would not comprehend it. It is much too intellectual for him. But, I feel that I must try to anyway.  
  
Mel: -_- WOULD YOU JUST GO ON WITH IT?!  
  
E.H.L: *wipes Mel's spit off of her face* You see, nimrod. I have the power to cause ANYONE'S hair to grow at ANY length at ANY time. So, if I were to be faced by an army, (And I hope that the leaders of the countries of this world would have enough intelligence to see my power, and not force me to use it...)I would only have to cause their hair to grow to amazing lengths, thus rendering the army...useless. I think you would have seen that before. But, I'm afraid ignorance runs deep through the human race. And it saddens me. Perhaps when the world is mine, I shall give you creatures a second chance....Or not.....MUHAHAHAaaaa! DO YOU FEAR ME NOW?! MORTAL!  
  
Mel: @_@ YES! I FEAR THAT YOUR STUPIDITY HAS NO BOUNDS!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!  
  
E.H.L: *_* YOU!!!! FOOLISH IDIOTIC MORON!!!!!! DEATH TO YOU!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!  
  
*Mel Gibson's hair begins to grow and chokes him*  
  
E.H.L: *regaining her control* ANYONE ELSE?!?!?!?!  
  
*all the celebrities shrink back in fear. All except one.*  
  
Regis: *with his huge smile* I HAVE AN IDEA! WHY DON'T WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH YOU!!! THAT WAY EVERYONE IS HAPPY!!! AND I COULD HAVE MY OWN ISLAND!!!!! YEAH!  
  
E.H.L: -_- Is this what you mindless drones call "negotiating"? *sigh* I've about had it with you people. If I may even call you people....- * Suddenly E.H.L's eyes get really big and her face and voice are now filled with fear. (if she is capable of fear)* You wish to come? Now?! Yes master. You shall. *she kneels* I await your command.  
  
The celebrities: O_o  
  
*at that moment a sillouhette of a tall and graceful figure begins to form in front of the Evil Hairy Lady. It is Niniel. (THE ELF, lol) Her very being is pride and beauty itself. Though a deep and dark sadness is about her. None dare to look at her, save E.H.L*  
  
Niniel: *In a deep and beautiful Galadriel voice* O, Evil Hairy Lady. What is this "bargain" that you speak of? I am sure that you intend to surrender to me full power of the Earth. *she gives E.H.L a meaningful glance*  
  
E.H.L: *still kneeling* Yes, master. Your will is my command. The Earth is yours, as soon as the wish comes from thy lips.  
  
Niniel: *smirks* You have done well, O faithful one. But tell me, who is this "Author"? Indeed, I would wish to speak with her about the rulings of this world.  
  
E.H.L: Of course, M'lady! She is to be our ally. You may speak to her at any time. For our conversation is recorded, and sent to her. So if you wish to ask something of her, she shall know of it.  
  
Niniel: I see. *turns to face the Author* You call yourself the Author. And indeed, I see why. For my loyal subject *motions to E.H.L* has shown me your stories. And they are well written, for one such as you. She tells me now that you mean good will towards us. And I should hope so. But I am aware that one that you call "Beth" has spoken against me. I see that this is not your fault, nor responsibility. Since creatures as low as she, may be unpredictable and very stupid. Indeed, I have one myself. She is a nasty creature. I only ask you now, to vow to obey my commands. Though few they shall be, for the Evil Hairy Lady is my servant. But I do not wish for you to *try* and overthrow me. That is all I ask. And if you do not agree to this, I shall smite the creature Orlando Bloom. And I understand that an action such as that would cause you many problems with your other.....what shall we call them....room mates? *she laughs deeply and elegantly* But we shall see. You seem to be a creature of some intelligence. And you shall prove yourself to be, or not in your answer. 


	6. Oh Zeus!

Author: I would gladly accept the actors and actresses of Lord of the Rings....  
  
Tanya: Oh, ZEUS, please not Liv Tyler!!! PLEASE!!!!  
  
Author: Hmm....good point. She has a tendancy to ANNOY ME. If you would choke her, E.H.L, I would be very grateful. I will take this CLINTON bloke if I must....suppose I need SOMEONE to clean the toilets.   
  
Beth: NINIEL YOU STUPID LITTLE W-  
  
Tanya: WOAH THERE, GIRL! Calm down, will ya? You don't wanna end up like poor Orli...  
  
Orlando: Ooog, my head....*coughs up more salt water*  
  
Beth: Oh, Orli, are you okay?! *completely forgets Niniel*  
  
Tanya: whew.  
  
Author: Thanks, Tanya. Niniel, please excuse my host, she has been cursed with a terrible weakness of mind, and rarely thinks before she acts, at least where some particular males are concerned.  
  
Tanya: ...ah...she got mad at Niniel for dissing Sarah, too, remember?  
  
Author: *sigh* All right, so she's weak-minded all around; but please don't hurt her, I like to keep her around for amusement and inspiration for stories. Anyway, I'll give you credit, you're certainly no fool, Lady Niniel. You DO know how to work a bargain. These two would be impossible to live with if I caused them to lose their little man over there. I am perfectly content with my little island and my small number of subjects.  
  
Beth: "LITTLE MAN"?!?!?!?!  
  
Tanya: Oh, he's a man, all right, but "little" is not the word I would have used, honey....  
  
Author: Don't call ME honey, Tanya. You don't want to go back into your box, do you?  
  
Tanya: O_O NO!  
  
Author: Alright then.   
  
Tanya: Hey! Idea! Can we have Lance Bass, too? That way Beth could be little miss "angstmance" and I can actually get some ACTION around here!!  
  
Author: There will be no action unless I allow it. I doubt I'll allow it. Although, I wouldn't mind messing around with him....he may be an entertaining sla- er - subject. I post my request to you, then, Ladies. Ah, it is time for my host to journey to your host's home. We shall discuss these matters in detail later. Until then!  
  
Sarah: *turns to the reader* So it was that the two great powers met. And so they do still. But their plans have not been recorded as of late because of mindless mortals such as I, who consider them humorous and share them with others as a source of entertainment. A time may come when I will have to pay for my actions. But I highly doubt it. -_- 


End file.
